Relationships in Recovery Part 3 of 3

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On this episode of the Recovery Rebirth Podcast, we build upon our previous discussion on relationships, taking a deep dive into attachment theory/attachment styles. We also dig deeper into analyzing our patterns, rooted in our childhood traumas/wounding. We share some elucidating insights gained through looking at ourselves vs. focusing on the behavior of our romantic partners. Many of us can be on autopilot while dating, completely unaware of our unconscious patterns. We aim to become aware of these tendencies and approach relationships from a place of being conscious of and healing self-defeating, painful patterns.

Jillian reflects on her long standing pattern of being attracted to unavailable and avoidant men because it’s a familiar dynamic from her relationship with her mom. While these relationships were unhealthy, they evoked the drama (experienced as excitement) that she was used to growing up. On the flipside, she traditionally finds secure, stable, available men boring. Or if someone is super interested, she tends to run. She also shares an enlightening quote “if it’s hysterical, it’s historical” (Quote credit to Mark Groves and recovery meetings)

Dominick reflects on his experience with his mother being his caregiver then the role reversal when he was older and the impact on his relationship template. He recalls wanting closeness in relationships but fearing getting too close because of the belief that “everything you love leaves you”

We discuss John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, pioneers in attachment theory research. While a primary attachment style may be formed in childhood, our attachment style is on a spectrum and can vary based on the people who we’re in a relationship with. Some people may trigger our anxious side while others cause us to withdraw. There is no right or better style,

Primary Attachment Styles

Secure–not afraid of intimacy and are also not codependent. Feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.

Anxious/Ambivalent–usually experienced inconsistent caregiving as a child. They fear rejection and abandonment, have a hard time feeling safe, and often mistrust their partner. They are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back.

Avoidant–subconsciously suppress their attachment system and have a tendency to push people away when someone gets too close. Equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.

Two avoidant subtypes:

Dismissive—keep people at an arm’s length, emotionally aloof.

Fearful/disorganized—simultaneously crave and fear closeness/intimacy; hot and cold.

Resources

Books

Attached

Avoidant

Healing Your Attachment Wounds

Websites/Podcasts

https://www.drmorgancoaching.com/

https://www.jodiwhitelpc.com/

https://www.jodiwhitelpc.com/podcast